"It's a strange kind of life,where doing well barely matters as much as just holding on."
~One Tree Hill
The reason I have trust issues is my family.
Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this,but it's as good as living in a warzone,flooded with destruction,pain and loss.It's a hellish battlefield with undefined alliances,some of the battles,the toughest ones..are ones inside my mind.
I mean like seriously,I trust my dog more than most people.
It's because of too many broken promises and assurances never made.
When I was little,I used to hope things would change and my parents would learn to love each other,
We do have happy memories,too..but somehow,the ones of the sleepless nights spend waiting and endless tears outweigh the happiness.Growing up,I just learned to accept that somethings are beyond reach and nothing can be done other than accepting them.Sometimes,life just spirals out of control and the most you can do is hold yourself together as you watch it fall apart,into tatters like a blank sheet of paper whose existance din't matter.
I will always be a little disappointed in my father for pushing us around and letting alcohol take charge of him,
A little disappointed in my mother for never actually moving out or getting a divorce.(putting up with violence is almost as bad as inflicting it?)
A little disappointed in my sister for trying to hit the self-destruct button over and over again.
And a little disappointed in myself for being disappointed at all.Maybe,I am not trying hard enough? Maybe I am not understanding enough?
Maybe unconditional love is actually too much to expect? Who knows?
I'm not complaining here,or trying to show how sad my life is.No.It's just that these thoughts just fill my head sometimes and I can't get rid of them.
I wonder sometimes,what it would be like to be Normal.Does normal exist,at all?
Would things be different,if my family wasn't so dysfunctional?
Would it make a difference if my childhood was filled with happy memories and boundless love,instead of angry voices and bitter words,neglect and violence? Or would it all be the same? Would be the same without the cold wars,and the ignorance,and silent,suppressed cries behind doors,praying for a better life?
Don't get me wrong,I love and adore my family..and I forgive them and they forgive me,as much as we can.
But that doesn't at the least,make us the happy or make the memories go away.
~One Tree Hill
The reason I have trust issues is my family.
Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this,but it's as good as living in a warzone,flooded with destruction,pain and loss.It's a hellish battlefield with undefined alliances,some of the battles,the toughest ones..are ones inside my mind.
I mean like seriously,
It's because of too many broken promises and assurances never made.
When I was little,I used to hope things would change and my parents would learn to love each other,
We do have happy memories,too..but somehow,the ones of the sleepless nights spend waiting and endless tears outweigh the happiness.Growing up,I just learned to accept that somethings are beyond reach and nothing can be done other than accepting them.Sometimes,life just spirals out of control and the most you can do is hold yourself together as you watch it fall apart,into tatters like a blank sheet of paper whose existance din't matter.
I will always be a little disappointed in my father for pushing us around and letting alcohol take charge of him,
A little disappointed in my mother for never actually moving out or getting a divorce.(putting up with violence is almost as bad as inflicting it?)
A little disappointed in my sister for trying to hit the self-destruct button over and over again.
And a little disappointed in myself for being disappointed at all.Maybe,I am not trying hard enough? Maybe I am not understanding enough?
Maybe unconditional love is actually too much to expect? Who knows?
I'm not complaining here,or trying to show how sad my life is.No.It's just that these thoughts just fill my head sometimes and I can't get rid of them.
I wonder sometimes,what it would be like to be Normal.Does normal exist,at all?
Would things be different,if my family wasn't so dysfunctional?
Would it make a difference if my childhood was filled with happy memories and boundless love,instead of angry voices and bitter words,neglect and violence? Or would it all be the same? Would be the same without the cold wars,and the ignorance,and silent,suppressed cries behind doors,praying for a better life?
Don't get me wrong,I love and adore my family..and I forgive them and they forgive me,as much as we can.
But that doesn't at the least,make us the happy or make the memories go away.
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