The fear of the unkown.(Xenophobic much?)

 This is basically just a pointless rant.But hey! It's my blog.
I had a dream about a really nice yellow bowl last night.O.o
Yes,a bowl.A new one that I had bought and was in absolute love with.
Maybe it symbolizes the current situation of my life.or maybe it was just a meaningless dream.
My life is at a turning edge.
It's a lot like the bowl.It's looks all new and exciting as far as I can see.But because I'm still dreaming,it's a little hazy and scary,too.
I feel stranded.isolated.Like Tom Hanks in Castaway.:P
But here,I'm neither on the shore not drowning in sea.I'm lost somewhere in the midst of the storm,with the knowledge that I'm going to come out of it alive.
But,oh,it's hard.No,I'm not cribbing.I know I'm headed off to a much better place in life.After all this struggle,I know that.
 All the newness is a little too much to take in,it's thrilling,and scary and downright confusing.
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach,the one that you get due to anxiety.and it just refuses to go away.
My father says it's just the fear of the unknown that's bothering me so much,really.and that it will vanish with time.
I really hope it does.because I feel trapped in a snowglobe of a world.I have no idea who to call,everyone is either busy or already have a pattern of everyday life.I feel left out,like a little kid.
And the only thing that can comfort me is Nostalgia.Instead of sadness and  the feeling of loss that accompanies it,It makes me feel a lot better! To think of my days back at elementary school..how the walls always had murals of bears and other animals,the silly games we played.And the food I used to love as a kid.Drumsticks,Sweet corn soup,Ketchup (Duh!) and Biscuits dipped in water.(Yeah,I was an extremely weird kid.It tastes really nice though,you should try it sometime.)Eating ice cubes was like the best thing ever. and it's somewhow endearing that they still manufacture little mary jane school shoes with a yellow flower print on the inside,like they used to when I was four years old.
The wonderful tenth grade memories,with friends I know I could never replace.and even talking to these old friends calms me down.Well,they  have moved on unlike me,most of them,anyway.and they're happy with their new lives and they have new friends...but they still make me feel the same warmth and comfort.
Am I  trying to use the comfort of the known to make the fear of the unknown go away? I can only wonder.
 

Chivalry.

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
~Olive Penderghast,Easy A.

It so saddening to see the lack of chivalry,no? I mean,it only exists today,if you're one of those school hotties and all the boys are drooling over you.
Don't get me wrong,there are still guys who know how to treat girls,but almost a rare,threatened species.
 All the eleventh graders were asked to assemble in the school auditorium today.And because,as usual,our teacher let us off late..there were no chairs left by the time we reached.So the woman who was there to give us a presentation asked if any of the guys would like to give up their chairs for some of us girls who stood oddly,at the back.They turned around,took a look,quickly judged "too ugly\geeky" and decided it was a bad idea.No big deal,because we were used to them being that way.Turns out,just moments earlier they had done it for a bunch of girls they considered more deserving.Wow.
But you know what? One classmate of mine,who had occupied a chair just before we got there got up.He offered his chair to us.And in the end,none of us sat on it.We all just stood there at the back of the hall,being courteous to accompany the bystanders.That one guy that stood up,it gives me a little hope.:)
Yes!My post has a Happy ending!Yayayay! :D

Burning out.

I fell asleep against the bathroom wall yesterday morning,and I only woke up to the incessant knocks of my parents telling me it was 7:45 already and I was supposed to be at school by then.
It was a bad start,I guess.Until I had nothing to say when I had to explain why I was late.There was so much I wanted to,I had a well prepared speech in my mind,in fact.But I din't have the nerve to say it.
I wanted to tell the teacher to cut me some slack,that I had only overslept,something very human!  I had  overworked myself and was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.My head was banging with pain,and my life was not good enough to wake up to at the moment.I'd rather have my eyes closed to block all the pain and weariness.But no,that's not how life works.You have to wake up,and drag yourself through the difficult days.
I often feel my problems are not all that bad,really.I make them that way.And I get hurt for the silliest things ever.I get hurt because people really close to don't understand that my feelings are not my control.Being Bipolar is not easy,but if you ask me,dealing with people's indifference is the harder part.
I get annoyed at the smallest of things,and way more that people should.I hate going to school.I hate having to travel to go to school (carsickness).I hate that nowadays,my Mother seems to forget way too much.I can only imagine how terrible that is,because,I remember things from years ago,down to detail.And my mom was quite like that too.Also,She quite Obsessive Compulsive when it comes to cleanliness.Someone needs to tell her that just because I get ready in a jiffy does not mean I'm not ready enough.that she's the one taking too much time! It gets onto my nerves a lot.
And what hurts the most,is when she tried to awaken a sense of guilt in me,even when I'm just joking about something or I say something in a concerned sense.She blames me.I take it,quietly.
There.I put into words a part of my pain.Right now,I'm burning out.Loosing my energy and enthusiasm.
 I know two years down the line,things will fall into place.Life will seem many shades brighter on the other side of the two years,than it does now.
Quoting Meredith Grey

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

 

This one's for you.

I was the only living soul I knew who loved Grey's anatomy.I grew up on Grey's Anatomy.
And no one understood my love for it.
I stuck out like the stray hair out of a ponytail. What? Everyone wanted to watch shows that were funny,that were not all that "serious" and "sad",but I was the odd kid who liked the drama,the pain,the sadness of it all.I always will be that one weird kid..
But one day,you started to watch it.and you got my love for the show.You din't pick How I met your mother,the big bang theory or something funny like that.And I found another strange kid in you.:D
(No I don't hate funny shows,I just can't watch them everyday and I wouldn't pick them over drama.No.)
So here's one for you.
 

Forevermore.

You were here for a moment,
and then you were gone.
They say that everything beautiful has to come to an early end.And so did you.
Why you were gone,I don't question.
It's not fair,I know.
 Just like the most precious little things..fragments,closest to my heart.Those Memories.
I've stored you're goofy smile in a glass jar,written your name in the sand of my heart.
Where The waves will never wash it away,even though you're dead.
Your face is fading,but your love?
It's forevermore.♥

Hey,sleepy eyes.

Do you know that feeling when you're awake at 4 AM and it's dark outside,and you're staring into your Biology reader,but your lids are like those doors that shut automatically at shopping malls..and you're reading all the words wrong,and they're getting blurry.and you fall asleep..and then you're hallucinating in your dream that you've finished the entire chapter? And you're jolted awake by reality that you have a paper the same morning.:O
                                                           no you don't.

So,my friend and I were just having out usual stupid phone conversation,which sorta got to the depressing side.
She goes.."Am I too Harsh,practical and logical?Is that why people don't like me?"
Me : "Maybe"
Her: ":(" (I can tell even over the phone.Superpowers.xD)
Me:"Hey!but then I'm way too emotional,and nice to every-fucking-body! No difference.No one cares.What does the world want then? Fake people?"
Her :"Probably"
...
I know you're gonna say it takes a balance of both the extremes and Blah.But,No.Nobody's like that.
It's not about how or who you are.It's about what you're doing right now.
The world needs good listeners,and people who say "I thought I was the only one who does that,until I met you."
But Being sixteen,for me,is realising the world sorta sucks.
No matter what you say.

When will you realize,Vienna waits for you?

Of Dosas and Happiness

The butter sliding off your tongue,the warm,spicy flavours melting in your mouth.
Your fingertips slightly burnt in the process of tearing peices off the edge,
The smell,so wonderful,smoking hot.
The beautiful brown,bubbly exterior.Crispy.
 Perfection is the word.
Digging into a dosa is pure bliss.
It's true what they say,the little things are what matter the most.
 

ISC Exam Halls are interesting Places,really.

Could Exams get any longer?
They're Bloody long.Longer than long could get.
Mind you,I'm not an impatient person...but 3 hours with a bunch of teenagers and teachers staring at each other is awful.
It makes you want to fling your paper at their face and run away.
You stare at the sky,at the canopy of the gulmohar tree,at butterflies swimming in and out,at the incessant rain...and of course,at random people.Something you cannot avoid.
smile at ones you know,awkwardly.in a "don't worry,we'll get out soon" sorta way.Or you have that "Awh,I don't know what I'm doing here either" smile.
Today,as I sat there smack in the front,as luck would have it...I realised that a smile is something that's beyond prejudice.(don't ask me how).It doesn't matter if you're illiterate,educated,super smart,nerdy,an airhead,intellectual,old,little,skinny,fat...Okay,You get my point.
It's just one of those things that isn't judged so much,I think.and it gives me hope.
Oh,and I also learned it's a good idea to smile back and possibly avoid eye contact for too long.