Red eyes and Rainy skies.

So..I'm trying this new thing,called "being optimistic."
I'm not sure if it's working or if it will,but I sure hope it does.

Letting of the past will hurt,it always does and I'm trying harder this time.Because,apparently,noone likes negative people at all.
 Yesterday,at school,there was a point where I felt alone in a huge classroom,with one side of my face pressed onto the wooden desk,I stared at the grey skies outside.It was going to rain,I could tell.
It was the kind of weather where the green of the leaves looks prettier and the school house looks unreal.
Everything looks like a part of a well-taken photograph in a far off,magical place.
I stared long enough for my eyes to hurt..stared,at the trembling leaves and the lack of sunshine,which for once,I did not mind.
My eyes were welling up with tears,not out of sadness,though.They just were.I wanted them to turn incardinine,almost.
Just then,this boy looked at me and said the first words "Poor you,you look so bored.Aren't you getting bored there alone?"  He din't mean it,I knew.But he asked,and that was enough.
And I couldn't blame him,he was having an amazing day with his girl..Holidng her,kissing her forehead,tickling her,messing her hair up...smiling at each other,and smiling at me.
All of the cute,weird,cheesy couple stuff made me Happy too.
And the day rolled into an end.And I cried a little,and it rained a lot.And I slept through the afternoon of rain...and I woke up to squeaky clean,washed up streets.something about the way tar roads look right after the rains.
And then there was hope.

IT REALLY IS.LOL.XD

Sand Castles.

So, I was talking to this friend  recently..and she helped me describe the feeling of feeling lost.
"It's like being in the middle of a tunnel,but you don't know if it's light or darkness that's waiting for you at the other end ",she said.
You try to grope your way out of it,but you only keep falling into the abyssmal depth of the botomless pit that is life.
I wake up every morning,cold,scared to my bones,grovelling in the darkness.I want these feelings to disappear.
I want to bathe in the comforting warmth of sunshine,again.
This morning,was no different,at all.But here I am,listening to "I can see clearly now" by Johnny Nash.
It's not the kind of music I ever listen to,but  the cheery voice has a calming affect on me.
All I can think of,right now,is..sand castles.Yes,you heard me right,those fortresses of sand that are a source of supreme happiness to wee children.
Think of it,our hopes and dreams,Life,even is like building sand castles.You stoop down and build them with love,perfection and genuine effort and it gives you contentment,and as they get washed away by the foamy waves,you feel disappointment and heartbreak.Lose hope.
And then finally,you let it go...you don't try to protect it from the ever approaching waves.You know that fate is inevitable,you always knew it.Now you just accept it better and let it be.
And as you watch your hopes and dreams dying,your life feels over..but there's a hopeful kind of sadness as you stand there watching the sand castle cave in.
Finally you shed your inhibitions,and maybe with a slight smile,even...start building those castles over again.Better ones that too.You beam with pride at your creation,with the full knowledge that this one won't last long very long either..
You build them over and over again.And everytime,there is a little more perfection,a little more wisdom.

And in that moment,I swear we were infinite.

I had this one post about wanting to feel that way.
And today,I read this post on a blog I follow.It was called trying heaven..and it was breathtaking.
http://papercupplastic.blogspot.in/2013/01/trying-heaven.html
 And so it made me think of what my heaven would be like,and I thought of all the most beautiful moments of my life so far.

Falling asleep with my head on my father's arm.

Watching sunbeams from inside the deep end of the bluest swimming pool,when I was eleven and being overwhelmed.

Singing "If you're happy and you know it" for the dear,old people at a destitute home and making them smile,along with all my classmates,while everyone was almost in tears.Even the toughies.

Getting to go into the bouncy ball pit on Fridays in Kindergarten.Waiting for the moment all week long.

Watching the monsoons in the dim glow of the tubelight  from the backbench of the classroom,all day long with my best friend.Ah,those romantically,gloomy days.

The first time my sister told me she loved me the most in the entire world,one summer at our grandparent's home. Dreaming of better days.

Falling in love,for the first time ever,one morning in the eighth grade..when he walked in,smelling divine.

 When my Guy bestfriend painted my cheek brown and ran away,and I painted his cheek with with fevicol.
Running behind each other in school corridors.Being Silly kids.

My dog running around in dizzying circles,running into my lap and licking my face,affectionately on the terrace of my new home.

And a million more of these sublime fragments. They'd flash in front of me,like a dream,like a panaroma.
Like the flashback before one dies.My very own heaven.

Mountain Bikes.

BREAKFAST CLUB FOREVER.

I hate running into people.
Running into people,at the oddest of times.
That awkward,embarrassing moment when you don't know what you're supposed to do.
When your heart beats fast against your ribs,and your face turns hot red with embarrassment.
I had a lot of moments like that today.A LOT.
On first impulse,I wanted to run straight home and never get out of my haven of a bed.
On second,I wanted to dissolve into thin air.
I was shattered.
He was whizzing past on his mountain bike,as he almost rammed into this kid on the street.
A chill went down my spine as I heard a familiar voice saying "Whoa,easy!"
and his eyes met mine for a brief moment,before my brain took it in.
And what was I doing? Clicking pictures on the corner of the street,very conspicuous in my bright green hoodie which says "you're just another freak." Perfect timing.
Divine,actually.

 

The Holiday Insomniac.

I stand and stare,as the soft yellow glow of the nightlight illuminates his tousled salt and pepper hair,and his crumpled red kurta.
The very sight makes me smile slightly.
The lovable old man..all fifty one years of him.My father.
Well,he has flaws.But so do you and I,my friend.we're all imperfect people.
It's over 3 am and I simply cannot get myself to sleep.
It's the usual holiday effect,sleepless nights..dreary mornings.
I wish life was more of an extended holiday..or I wish I could move to a different country or something,and begin again.and I wish I could read all of my father's books at a go and I wish it were summertime.
Most of all,I just wish sleep comes easy to me tonight.

When I grow up,I wanna be a Panda Bear.

Think of it.All Pandas do is eat lots of bamboo and sleep.And they're the gentlest giants ever.They look adorable at every stage of their life cycle and their klutziness makes them all the more lovable.They're considered cute because they're large,fat and fluffy.It has always been my secret ambition in life,to become a beautiful,chilled out Panda.

RED PANDA

.<3

Hoping for Change.

It's been a few days,since things turned ugly with the brutal gang rape at Delhi..
Yet,I feel weird writing that down,for things have turned ugly decades ago.It just becomes too obvious and unavoidable,with time.
Being a part time pessimist,I must admit,I'm surprised that people are still protesting..That the incident has not just been shoved under the table,with the old newspapers.
And they might just hang the rapists,and pass a severe law against rape.Sure,it might help.
But  the very prospect of all the monsters out there,is still scary,you know.I mean,what assurance do we get that these brain sickly people will change their mindsets,with the mere passing of a law or the screams and candle-light marches?
 Sure,it helps to have black dots for the sake of showing support toward the victim,but why does no one ask the right questions? why does no one talk about how the fellow citizens din't help the naked,bleeding victim on the street...because they din't want to get into the sticky mess with the law inflicting bodies?
And of course,the police,"they were no better.They just let them lay there,naked and dying too.
Who knows,she might have just survived?
Why does nobody see the fault of the education system here too...Education is what makes us civilized,doesn't it? So,why,is it only about the grades and not about the moral values?!
Why don't they aim at making us better people,instead of ones just capable of making their own living.
I know,I sound a bit too sentimental when I say this,but look at it this way.If the education system aimed at making us decent,dignified human beings...there would be no need for rape.or for any form of violence.
You might say I'm a Romantic,and I'm hoping for too much.
But we do need to find solutions.And rape is not so much about the sex,as the violence.The rapists,have grown up with the belief that it is perfectly all right to inflict violence.
The saddest thing among all the chaos,is that the rape doesn't leave a lot of us particularly surprised.
We are,almost,getting used to the kind of  news.
I want things to be better,and for mindsets to change.I want to be able to see,men instead of monsters.
Creating this,will take very long,But yet,like the faint flicker of a candle on a stormy,dark night..there is Hope.
Someday.

Sunset watching.

I look upon another sunset,
another day in my life,
quietly creeping away,
slipping  away with the sands of time.

I think of all I have done,
and of all that I haven't,
Of all the words I said,
and of all those I din't
And of all the thoughts that ran through my head.

The sky is turning yellow,
and then form that to purple,
"It's time"  whisper all the birds that fly home,
Dusty,grey clouds are the only dregs the day leaves behind.

It's done,another day,another moment,
another sunset.
 Now,I'll wait for the next.
I can't take back the things that are done,
they will but live as regrets.

The leaves shudder,gently
as the sky now is painted in darkness,
I will begin again,
and as I will sit watching another sunset,
I might just have fewer regrets.
 

To Infinity And Beyond.

More than Ten winters ago,I remember sitting on the hood of a shiny red Maruti  800.
I sat there,wearing a very pretty brown dress and a mob of  very short hair.
Beside me,sat a girl I had just befriended...I had fallen in love with her at first sight.
As a little girl,she fascinated me...Her smokey green eyes,with tiny,scattered specs  of brown.
Her skin as pale as milk..Her hair the colour of honey.
I always noticed things too much in detail,even as a kid.
Sitting there,on the hood,on a cold winters' night,we had a very animated conversation,frost emerging from our mouths,as we spoke.
I remember realising that we were almost the same age,my new friend and I.
And I remember being infinitely Happy.
The kind of Happiness you get when the smell of the rains first hits you.. or when you realise that the sand of the Desert feels like fine silk running through your fingers.
The kind of happiness that is beyond words and descriptions.
 The kind that makes one's childhood appear brighter than it probably was.
I long for it sometimes,the bittersweet tinge of infinite happiness in these dark days is probably too much to ask for,though.
Yet,I want to feel infinite again. I want to live my silly childhood dreams.Become a ballerina,perhaps.
 This post seems to be going into the infinity of randomness,so I shall stop now.

Ballerinas,indeed.