Because Penguins are Forever & Always.=D

“I know he's dead! Don't you think I know that? I can still like him, though, can't I? Just because somebody's dead, you don't just stop liking them, for God's sake--especially if they were about a thousand times nicer than the people you know that're alive and all.” 

~Holden.

Forevermore.<3

I sincerely wish for this year to end sooner.

It's been another futile year in my life...the most insignificant and meaningless,if you ask.
I  no longer actually have friends,they're all just faces that I smile at.Apparently,it's going to be that way from now on.
I wish I was five again.Getting to play in the bouncy ball pit once in a while was what I lived for.
It was all I needed,actually.I did not need "friends".

I'm just sitting here,feeling like a big time screw up.Oh,I surely am fifty shades of fucked up.
I don't even like the person I am,anymore.I'm not a very nice person any longer,I admit.
I have regrets and I am trying to live with them,pushing through every day like a disinterested person.
Praying for a miracle I probably don't deserve.

Do you know that cool Elephant called Rosie from the film  "Water for Elephants"? The one who actually made it worth watching,even made up for Robert Pattinson's "acting skills"?
I want to be that very Elephant,Rosie.She can do a whole lot of brilliant gymnastic tricks,that I cannot learn  to perform in a million years.
I want to live in the 1930s,where everything was beautiful.People dressed impeccably,men always wore suits and hats and stuff,the way they spoke.. They had vinyl records,and other pretty things that no longer exist.
Look what we have now...a song by Rihanna called "Diamonds" which sounds inspired by the rhyme twinkle twinkle little star,which,by the way was written by a five year old? See,I told you,being five years old is the best.I shouldn't be judging someone,I'm sorry,but I think no one has facebook statuses dedicated to the kid who wrote twinkle twinkle li'l star.And he deserves it,more than Rihanna.
And I definitely don't want to live in a world where women get raped in a bus,and chucked onto the streets or a lot of innocent little kids get shot down at a school.
I want to move to a safer country,a safer planet,if you ask.
I'll tell you something,everyone's actually secretly wishing for a zombie apocalypse.
I 'm waiting for them to take over,the world's not very inhabitable anymore anyway.Then,I don't even have to go through the torment of writing exams for the rest of my life that I won't study for anyway.
So,I sincerely ask for this year to end already.

Dilli.

Have you ever been to Delhi? You'll know what I'm talking about then.
I have memories of the place,back from when I was very,very young and went there the very first time.
I remember it being loud,and overcrowded,and bustling and in an odd way,sort of beautiful.
I remember the bazaars,and how you could find everything on the street for the price of dust.And  at night,they looked so pretty,all those mucky,narrow streets lined up with makeshift stores and night lamps.
And of course,the food,the taste of which still lingers in my mouth.
I specifically remember this doll museum we visited,on that trip.It was all dark and  shady,with dolls from the world over,displayed in glass boxes.And at that moment,I knew that it was the most beautiful place I had been to in my young life.
To this day,a part of me,still craves to go back and visit the place.
It might not be as fascinating now,probably 'cause when you're little,everything seems so magnificent and wonderful. The way things are feel right.Most things make sense...and have explanations.Questions have finite answers.And you're sure.Little kids are sure as hell of themselves,they really are.
And one day,you just realise you're no longer little.

It's been an extremely long week,but a very short year.

Goodbyes have always been difficult.
Words turn into formless lumps inside throats,and the teary eyes speak loud enough.
And I watched people breathing in the fact that this was the end,
that what seemed like it was meant to last forever,was coming to a crashing end in moments before their eyes.
They danced wildly and the held each other tight.
And there were fireworks.
And they cried,and they cried,and cried some more.
#Highschool.sigh.

And that's why you don't disturb a sleeping dragon.

I think I made a friend today,at school.
Considering how awkward I am,yes,it's quite an achievement.
We played 21 questions,and we bonded.
And then I had plans of walking out of school early,to walk to her home and watch Teletubbies with her.
Din't happen,because something turned up.
Some other day,perhaps.
Sleeping Dragons do actually look pretty cool,though.

The sky was but a beautifully lit ceiling.

Diwali never lasts long enough,does it?
The night just whizzes by in a burst of adrenaline,and you're left with a hollow feeling chest..wanting it to last,for the fireworks to light the sky up forever.
 And I've realised,the older I get,the duller the Diwali gets.

This year's was strangely too quiet.
and the diya wouldn't light up 'cause it was way too windy and all.Talk about dampened spirits.
Houses were lit up with pretty silver and golden lights,but they hardly looked like homes.they lacked the warmth.
I wasn't the least bit surprised  that but one person wished me this year.

It din't matter anymore.we've all grown apart now,maybe.
The year's almost over,and it feels like such a waste.
It's like everybody's spirits are like burned out sparklers now...
"Hello","Happy Birthday" and "Happy Diwali' are but hollow,meaningless words.Lacking the enthusiasm and verve they did a few years ago,when we were all little.
Truth is,no one cares.Almost everybody puts up acts of who they want to be perceived as.
And as I stare at the eternally beautiful light-filled sky,I want to be staring at it forever.I don't even want to sleep tonight.
Its like,I want to be happy,really bad.But it only lasts so long,before sadness tides over.
Growing up sucks.

“They weren't true stories; they were better than that.”

 

Where the wild things are.

Bright winter morning.
And the roses are in full bloom,
I chase after technicolour butterflies in vain.
The plump,red-tailed  birdies line up on walls.
The sun makes my skin look golden-brown,almost the colour of honey.
I'm here,I'm home.This is where I belong.

Typical Saturday Morning.

I'm listening to I'm just a kid by simple plan,right now.
That's how I feel at the moment.A result of a monotonous week,the person I've become and the need for more sleep.
 There's a kid who I  see at school sometimes.He often  happens to pass by empty corridors that smell like disinfectants.
The other day, he happened to glance into my classroom while passing by,he turned his head back again to have a second look.And I looked a stranger in the eye,after a long,long time.
We could be friends,I think.
And what I have now,is a four day weekend.

"Or I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain."

 Yes,I'm writing about the weather.Um,yeah,I don't really have much of a life so deal with it.

 For the first time ever,I realised what "the silence before the storm" actually means.
It was an unusually cold morning,even considering that it's November.
Maybe it seemed colder,because I was too early and there was nobody to walk to class with.
The chill of the atmosphere,piercing my skin.The Sun,no where in sight.
And the loudest rustling of leaves I've ever heard.
It was all quiet and desolate,but raging and loud at the same time.
It was just a prelude to the actual storm that Followed.
.. November rain is really cold and Beautiful,you know?
We had two consecutive days of torrential downpour and it was freezing.
The sky,like that cold morning, was a constant grey,making everything look prettier than it actually is.
Leaven,in every shade of green,red and brown and little yellow flowers looked perfect against the dominating grey,like it were painting.
Patches of crystal drops and quivering leaves.

And walking in the cold rain to lunch that waited for us,was the best part.
And even the food seemed more tempting than ever,the rising smoke form the dishes just more evident than any other day.There were little puddles everywhere,holding the reflections of trees and people.Shoes got icky,and clothes got drenched.But noone really seemed to mind it.
 and at the end of the violent,raging storm came the Happy Ending,like in fairly tales,Bright Sunshine.
 And the lovely sunbeams brought everything back to track again,drove away the dear distraction that was November rain.
We bid farewell to the november rain,as we watched the last remains of the pretty rainclouds reflected on the enormous glass windows of a building.
Because nothin' last forever,not even cold november rain.

And one morning.

All red and yellow,they kiss the Earth,crunchy fall leaves.
It's way beyond 8am and I know I'm late again,
I walk alone today.I traverse the the muddy pathways and the tar roads.
And I walk alone most days.I walk alone,and I'm hit by the subtle smell of wild grass.
Most other mornings,Its a communal gathering,when we throw our bags down,sit in a circle,aware that it's the principal's office next to us or pass around food and conversation.
But today,I don't sing to myself,
thoughts don't race through my head.
 I'm that girl,in a corner by herself,arms crossed,
Right under the parching sun.
It's the end of the road today.
Today,I stand at the end of all the noise,the morning buzz,
 I stand apart.
I can't tell if I want to,but I stand apart.

Trying to Replace The Irreplacable?

A few months ago:The cold concrete floor.An Early Summer morning.
We're all too busy cramming up  last minute answers on the Exam morning.
We're making memories to last a lifetime,maybe longer even,and we're not even aware.
...
If only I could go back and tell myself to hold onto the moment a bit longer,a bit firmer,because soon,I would want that very moment so bad.
*Invisible readers*: No! Not with your nostalgic posts again dude!
Me : Just bear with  me.I need to get this of my mind?
We all grow up,grow apart.Lose and forget what we once loved.What's the big deal? It's just called moving on in life,it's what everybody does,no?
Well,to kids like me out there,it is quite a huge deal,actually.We're told to forget the people we grew up with,a part of our support system.Move on,and adapt to new habitats.
That's how survival works.That's how life works.
But does it have to be so harsh? Do we really have to leave behind all that we love?
Is memories the only thing promised to us?
If you ask me,growing up was never easy for anybody.
But the hardest part is building anew.and acting like it's meant to be that way.
To be in a new,confusing,challenging,exciting world that faces us now.
A world that replaces  the safety blanket that kept us warm and happy,always with a cloudy sky,with only glimpses of sunlight.
Replacing what seems to be the irreplacable,seems to be an art of its own,a skill.
And I'm sure we'll all get good at it someday.
For now,I'll just take a nap and dream of the good 'ol days.

October Obsession.

You know that feeling you get when your Mum randomly decided to go grocery shopping,and your cabinets and fridge is overflowing with food for a while after that? That awesome feeling?
*Invisible Readers* : "Ahaha"
Well,that's how I feel about October I think.
October to me,is a month  which is full of everything wonderful.
(No,my birthday doesn't fall in October,if you're wondering.:P)
Like I said,October is full.
Full of surprises,Full of sunshine(October heat),
of happy moments,of festivities and celebrations,school events,holidays and a lot of other perks.
October is like Sunshine after a week of rain..it's the first sigh of relief after the usually scary and hectic first term of the school year.
For some reason,it is a very pleasant time to be around,and It leaves me wonderful memories,always.
It's the perfect weather...it's when they days just begin to get shorter.Pre-winter,cool winds mixed with warm.
October is the month I had the hugest crush ever,too.It brings back that warm,fuzzy feeling sometimes.
Words cannot describe how beautiful October usually is.I hope this one brings all the magic around too.:)

The fear of the unkown.(Xenophobic much?)

 This is basically just a pointless rant.But hey! It's my blog.
I had a dream about a really nice yellow bowl last night.O.o
Yes,a bowl.A new one that I had bought and was in absolute love with.
Maybe it symbolizes the current situation of my life.or maybe it was just a meaningless dream.
My life is at a turning edge.
It's a lot like the bowl.It's looks all new and exciting as far as I can see.But because I'm still dreaming,it's a little hazy and scary,too.
I feel stranded.isolated.Like Tom Hanks in Castaway.:P
But here,I'm neither on the shore not drowning in sea.I'm lost somewhere in the midst of the storm,with the knowledge that I'm going to come out of it alive.
But,oh,it's hard.No,I'm not cribbing.I know I'm headed off to a much better place in life.After all this struggle,I know that.
 All the newness is a little too much to take in,it's thrilling,and scary and downright confusing.
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach,the one that you get due to anxiety.and it just refuses to go away.
My father says it's just the fear of the unknown that's bothering me so much,really.and that it will vanish with time.
I really hope it does.because I feel trapped in a snowglobe of a world.I have no idea who to call,everyone is either busy or already have a pattern of everyday life.I feel left out,like a little kid.
And the only thing that can comfort me is Nostalgia.Instead of sadness and  the feeling of loss that accompanies it,It makes me feel a lot better! To think of my days back at elementary school..how the walls always had murals of bears and other animals,the silly games we played.And the food I used to love as a kid.Drumsticks,Sweet corn soup,Ketchup (Duh!) and Biscuits dipped in water.(Yeah,I was an extremely weird kid.It tastes really nice though,you should try it sometime.)Eating ice cubes was like the best thing ever. and it's somewhow endearing that they still manufacture little mary jane school shoes with a yellow flower print on the inside,like they used to when I was four years old.
The wonderful tenth grade memories,with friends I know I could never replace.and even talking to these old friends calms me down.Well,they  have moved on unlike me,most of them,anyway.and they're happy with their new lives and they have new friends...but they still make me feel the same warmth and comfort.
Am I  trying to use the comfort of the known to make the fear of the unknown go away? I can only wonder.
 

Chivalry.

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
~Olive Penderghast,Easy A.

It so saddening to see the lack of chivalry,no? I mean,it only exists today,if you're one of those school hotties and all the boys are drooling over you.
Don't get me wrong,there are still guys who know how to treat girls,but almost a rare,threatened species.
 All the eleventh graders were asked to assemble in the school auditorium today.And because,as usual,our teacher let us off late..there were no chairs left by the time we reached.So the woman who was there to give us a presentation asked if any of the guys would like to give up their chairs for some of us girls who stood oddly,at the back.They turned around,took a look,quickly judged "too ugly\geeky" and decided it was a bad idea.No big deal,because we were used to them being that way.Turns out,just moments earlier they had done it for a bunch of girls they considered more deserving.Wow.
But you know what? One classmate of mine,who had occupied a chair just before we got there got up.He offered his chair to us.And in the end,none of us sat on it.We all just stood there at the back of the hall,being courteous to accompany the bystanders.That one guy that stood up,it gives me a little hope.:)
Yes!My post has a Happy ending!Yayayay! :D

Burning out.

I fell asleep against the bathroom wall yesterday morning,and I only woke up to the incessant knocks of my parents telling me it was 7:45 already and I was supposed to be at school by then.
It was a bad start,I guess.Until I had nothing to say when I had to explain why I was late.There was so much I wanted to,I had a well prepared speech in my mind,in fact.But I din't have the nerve to say it.
I wanted to tell the teacher to cut me some slack,that I had only overslept,something very human!  I had  overworked myself and was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.My head was banging with pain,and my life was not good enough to wake up to at the moment.I'd rather have my eyes closed to block all the pain and weariness.But no,that's not how life works.You have to wake up,and drag yourself through the difficult days.
I often feel my problems are not all that bad,really.I make them that way.And I get hurt for the silliest things ever.I get hurt because people really close to don't understand that my feelings are not my control.Being Bipolar is not easy,but if you ask me,dealing with people's indifference is the harder part.
I get annoyed at the smallest of things,and way more that people should.I hate going to school.I hate having to travel to go to school (carsickness).I hate that nowadays,my Mother seems to forget way too much.I can only imagine how terrible that is,because,I remember things from years ago,down to detail.And my mom was quite like that too.Also,She quite Obsessive Compulsive when it comes to cleanliness.Someone needs to tell her that just because I get ready in a jiffy does not mean I'm not ready enough.that she's the one taking too much time! It gets onto my nerves a lot.
And what hurts the most,is when she tried to awaken a sense of guilt in me,even when I'm just joking about something or I say something in a concerned sense.She blames me.I take it,quietly.
There.I put into words a part of my pain.Right now,I'm burning out.Loosing my energy and enthusiasm.
 I know two years down the line,things will fall into place.Life will seem many shades brighter on the other side of the two years,than it does now.
Quoting Meredith Grey

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

 

This one's for you.

I was the only living soul I knew who loved Grey's anatomy.I grew up on Grey's Anatomy.
And no one understood my love for it.
I stuck out like the stray hair out of a ponytail. What? Everyone wanted to watch shows that were funny,that were not all that "serious" and "sad",but I was the odd kid who liked the drama,the pain,the sadness of it all.I always will be that one weird kid..
But one day,you started to watch it.and you got my love for the show.You din't pick How I met your mother,the big bang theory or something funny like that.And I found another strange kid in you.:D
(No I don't hate funny shows,I just can't watch them everyday and I wouldn't pick them over drama.No.)
So here's one for you.
 

Forevermore.

You were here for a moment,
and then you were gone.
They say that everything beautiful has to come to an early end.And so did you.
Why you were gone,I don't question.
It's not fair,I know.
 Just like the most precious little things..fragments,closest to my heart.Those Memories.
I've stored you're goofy smile in a glass jar,written your name in the sand of my heart.
Where The waves will never wash it away,even though you're dead.
Your face is fading,but your love?
It's forevermore.♥

Hey,sleepy eyes.

Do you know that feeling when you're awake at 4 AM and it's dark outside,and you're staring into your Biology reader,but your lids are like those doors that shut automatically at shopping malls..and you're reading all the words wrong,and they're getting blurry.and you fall asleep..and then you're hallucinating in your dream that you've finished the entire chapter? And you're jolted awake by reality that you have a paper the same morning.:O
                                                           no you don't.

So,my friend and I were just having out usual stupid phone conversation,which sorta got to the depressing side.
She goes.."Am I too Harsh,practical and logical?Is that why people don't like me?"
Me : "Maybe"
Her: ":(" (I can tell even over the phone.Superpowers.xD)
Me:"Hey!but then I'm way too emotional,and nice to every-fucking-body! No difference.No one cares.What does the world want then? Fake people?"
Her :"Probably"
...
I know you're gonna say it takes a balance of both the extremes and Blah.But,No.Nobody's like that.
It's not about how or who you are.It's about what you're doing right now.
The world needs good listeners,and people who say "I thought I was the only one who does that,until I met you."
But Being sixteen,for me,is realising the world sorta sucks.
No matter what you say.

When will you realize,Vienna waits for you?

Of Dosas and Happiness

The butter sliding off your tongue,the warm,spicy flavours melting in your mouth.
Your fingertips slightly burnt in the process of tearing peices off the edge,
The smell,so wonderful,smoking hot.
The beautiful brown,bubbly exterior.Crispy.
 Perfection is the word.
Digging into a dosa is pure bliss.
It's true what they say,the little things are what matter the most.
 

ISC Exam Halls are interesting Places,really.

Could Exams get any longer?
They're Bloody long.Longer than long could get.
Mind you,I'm not an impatient person...but 3 hours with a bunch of teenagers and teachers staring at each other is awful.
It makes you want to fling your paper at their face and run away.
You stare at the sky,at the canopy of the gulmohar tree,at butterflies swimming in and out,at the incessant rain...and of course,at random people.Something you cannot avoid.
smile at ones you know,awkwardly.in a "don't worry,we'll get out soon" sorta way.Or you have that "Awh,I don't know what I'm doing here either" smile.
Today,as I sat there smack in the front,as luck would have it...I realised that a smile is something that's beyond prejudice.(don't ask me how).It doesn't matter if you're illiterate,educated,super smart,nerdy,an airhead,intellectual,old,little,skinny,fat...Okay,You get my point.
It's just one of those things that isn't judged so much,I think.and it gives me hope.
Oh,and I also learned it's a good idea to smile back and possibly avoid eye contact for too long.

You're more than worth all the love in the world.

 
I've been made to feel like I'm not good enough.
Not good enough to be cared for,
not worth wasting time over,or having longer conversations with,
I've been told I'm too ordinary,too worthless to be loved.
I'm an underachiever,I don't have that confidence,they say.
"When will you ever open up? you'll be lost if you don't"
I've been made to feel that I'm not pretty enough,I don't deserve the attention those girls do,
I'm not worth fitting into pretty clothes either,apparently.
Why? Because I'm different.
I din't choose to be.I was born this way.
and you know what? After all this,I wouldn't change a thing.
I choose to be different.. now.
I know how it feels like to be treated like you're not worth a dime.
So,let me tell you,whoever you are,you're worth all of it and much more.

The Butterfly Trail.

A strange thing hapenned today.

It was beautiful,though.
Om my way back home,I spotted a beautiful butterfly in the bustle of the city,
and I wished to see just one more,
and on and on they came,butterflies,
Yellow,Black and white,orange,Blue.
Tiny...Large.All kinds.
All I did was keep wishing to see more butterflies,
and as I stepped out of my car,I saw a zillion of them in my garden.
So endearing! :D

It's this thing called creative awareness,which basically says everything depends on the law of attraction.~
And you know what? It's true.

Dangling

She grew up,in a beautiful house.
Beautiful from the outside.
But behind closed doors,
there lies utter darkness.
the darkness of violence,
of pain,of everything gone wrong.

The doors were slammed shut,
tears filled the hollowness of the night,
as she cried herself to sleep.
hoped one day it would be over,
that one day it would get better.
She's living on the edge,
she'll fall off someday.
 

Like a moth to a flame.