You have been rejected and heartbroken before.I know disappointment feels like a new phenomenon each time you meet it,like a sucker punch in your stomach,it hits you hard,but you've been here before,and you'll come back again and let's just admit to ourselves-it sucks and there is no sugar coating,silver lining,sunshine behind the clouds kinda hope.All your past selves call bullshit on it,they have learnt well from experience.
Each time you fall,they say,you fall harder and you pick yourself up,stronger.Just like putting back together a heart that feels like it's sunken and disintegrated into a million little pieces,raining on you like incardinine confetti.Even when you carefully glue all of it back together,stronger,less vulnerable-there's no denying the fact that it's a little more broken than the last time,a little more hurt and empty.
You can learn to let go,forgive,move on,get past all expectation-whatever it is they advise you to do in due time..even fake it till you make it,but the darkness of the depression will seep back.Embrace it,cling,let it shatter you because if it doesn't now,it will just slowly consume you from the inside like a demon,hiding behind the veil of repressed emotion.
You can forget people,you can stop missing them,stop feeling the loss..but memories hide in strange places,like a child who has mastered hide and seek.They will come knock at the windows of your eyelids when you close your eyes in a state of semi sleep,and your thoughts all blur and drift into dreams that take over.They will jolt you awake before the cup of sweet tea you brewed your self can cure you of perpetual fatigue,they will tremble like your fingers do when they scroll down the contact list on your phone and long for a number you can't call back on.They will haunt you every time you experience something immensely beautiful,saddening or overwhelming,waves of wonder..a song,a word,a smile will bring the pain flooding back
because you are reminded again,there are of only so much use if you have nobody to share them with,to reveal the secret ways of the world you discover each day.
You are mess,you are not enough,and you are too much for yourself.Life is chaos and love hurts like a shard of something broken in your throat,a lump accompanied by glassy eyes,you're almost crying but you are incapable of tears.Guess what? You're actually laughing at yourself,this cruel joke.You no longer feel sorry for your predilection,self-pity has worn itself out.
You never win,you're used to dejection now.Picking yourself up is easier,you've learnt to be bigger than the things that break you and it absolutely sucks.But you never win the ways that seem noticeable,you never notice how you never give up on yourself.Every bleak Monday morning,you tell yourself to take care and you break the monotony of existing by accepting that people cannot be saved,only loved.Your whole life might be falling apart around you,but you've learnt to live without love,without expectation..you've learnt to get by on mere hope,finding metaphors of it the mundane.
And even if you lose all the time,you don't lose heart.You still follow your heart,even if it promises all the pain of the path ahead.You guard yourself better,but you also soften with it all.Like wrinkles and crows feet and grey hair,time softens you,slows you down-you might not be as light on your feet anymore,they're all cracked heels and bruises.You lose,but you still walk on,you don't need the shoes that you really thought you did-maybe they would have made you better,but you've learnt to make better of yourself.Your old feet are better,dirt kissed.
Most importantly,you let the cycle of bruising and healing just be,there's no way of stopping it.That's when you win,that's the only victory-the peace of setting yourself free.
You're winning at life,because you're doing the best with what you know and you'll never have to regret having worn your heart on your sleeve.You're winning because you had the courage to be honest and to put yourself out there,and to let yourself break.You're winning because you're trying to let your dreams win.
Let me remind you,you have been rejected and heartbroken before.I know disappointment feels like a new phenomenon each time you meet it,like a sucker punch in your stomach,it hits you hard,but you've been here before,and you'll come back again and let's just admit to ourselves-it sucks and there is no sugar coating,silver lining,sunshine behind the clouds kinda hope,but let's also admit to ourselves how far we've made it and how much farther we know we could go.We've learnt to be enough for ourselves and the realisation that even if there's another heartbreak,another winding road we take that might not lead us to a happier place,we've survived,made it,grown.That takes spirit and it is this realisation that uncertainty cannot bother you anymore that nurses your broken heart and keeps you going.It is this rejection and heartbreak that let both better and worse things come out of them and that's more that the mundane victory it seems to be.
Take care,
yours truly.
